“A bad apology is utterly toxic.”

A genuine apology has the mystical power to restore trust after a horrendous mistake. Indeed, it is often the case that nothing less than a sincere apology can right the wrong and restore the balance. Moreover, it is in the exact moment of the apology that healing begins. But this is not an easy art to master.

There are three essential features to an effective apology. First, it must be specific. I must acknowledge what I did to you. Second, it must be contrite. My words must be genuinely sincere. Third, it must be unconditional. No ifs, ands, or buts. 

Whenever an apology includes a conditional clause, it becomes a limp piece of lettuce. “I’m sorry if I offended anyone.” If? You are not even sure you did anything wrong? Anyone? You don’t even have the sense of decency to name the one offended? A bad apology is utterly toxic. 

On the other hand, as most physicians well know, a sincere apology is a magical potion, our most powerful tool to reset the balance and restore trust. Yet elected officials are notoriously poor at delivering apologies, a disturbing symptom of their inability to cope with mistakes.

From The Ailing Nation, Chapter One: Atonement

Why is it so hard to apologize? You would think that an apology is tantamount to losing a lawsuit and signing over a huge payment. Everyone seems so careful to introduce conditional clauses that protect their good name: “I’m sorry if I offended anyone.”  “I’m sorry that my remarks were misconstrued.” “I apologize for any misunderstanding…” Of course, each of these clauses fatally dilutes the purpose, which is to establish that the apologizer was at fault and is accountable for the disrespect that was transmitted in the first place. A proper apology, which makes the apologizer vulnerable, reverses that dynamic and magically restores the balance. In fact, as all doctors know, an artful apology can bring a relationship to a better place than it was before the initial transgression. A bad apology just makes everything worse. So why are politicians so notoriously poor at apologizing? Simple. The bigger the ego, the worse the apologizer.